Grievances
1. Sharing A Complaint.
Share a complaint. Go around the table and have each person share a complaint about something that is bothering them. It could be about something that is bothering you in your life circumstances- eg your work, or your studies. It could be something that is bothering you in a relationship with someone in your presence right now, or someone
absent from you.
Suggested Language: “I notice [share your complaint]… I prefer [share how you would prefer things to be]….”
Examples:
Example: "I notice lately that the dishes have been left stacked on the kitchen bench. I would prefer it of you would pack them into the cupboard please."
Example: "I notice that your words on the powerpoint is always rather small. I would prefer if you were able to make them easier to read please.
Dirty Fighting: Beware of making a complaint to “have a go” at someone. The purpose should be to communicate something in your heart, not to try to fix something. You can’t control what others do or how they react. Your task is to communicate with honesty, love and integrity what you are feeling in a godly way.
Why We Do This:
Loving one another well is a fundamental aspect of our Christian lives. And part of loving one another well involves learning to communicate honestly and openly with one another. People in healthy relationships learn to navigate our tensions and difficulties, rather than just letting them simmer under the surface, or erupt in anger when we can hold it in no longer.
Sadly this is a basic skill which is foreign to many Christians, and the reality is that it does take practice to help it become more normal. This exercise helps us to learn to express ourselves in the more difficult issues of life. It’s not always necessary to verbalize every complaint on every occasion possible. But it is important to be able to verbalise your complaint when it is appropriate. And for people who are close to you in your life, you will need to regularly communicate about the tensions of your relationship if you are going to grow together through them.
Note that this exercise, like the other “Grievance” exercises, will be quite challenging for many of us. Yet it is an important
part of our relational growth. So be brave, and have a go!
2. Sharing A Worry Or Puzzle.
Share a worry or a puzzle. Go around the table and have people share something about life or a relationship that is bothering or worrying them.
Go around the table and have each person share a complaint about something that is bothering them. It could be about something that is bothering you in your life circumstances- eg your work, or your studies. It could be something that is bothering you in a relationship with someone in your presence right now, or someone absent from you.
Suggested Language: “I'm worried that...
"I'm puzzled..."
Examples:
"I’m worried that you’ve been spending so much money on food for when we have guests lately, and whether that is going to hurt our budget too much."
"I'm worried about something my boss said at work today which made me wonder how secure my job is."
"I’m puzzled that you said that you would help me clean the pool this year but I haven’t seen you out there yet."
Why We Do This:
As we do with sharing a complaint, it is good to practice processing and communicating unhealthy feelings in our hearts. But sometimes we are not sure what it is we are feeling exactly, or what is actually happening in a relationship. So in this exercise we express the uncertainty we are feeling as a launching point for further communication.
Sharing a worry is about talking about a concern that something is not all well in the world. It may be in a relationship, or it could be in a circumstance. Express your worries by sharing it together.
Sharing a puzzle is usually about an unmet expectation in a relationship. It is easy sometimes to jump to a false conclusion about someone. Eg- “You haven’t booked our holidays yet!” It is often better to express it as a “puzzle”. Eg- “I’m puzzled- I thought you had said that we would be having a September in holiday, but I haven’t heard anything about where we are going yet”.
Notice that in both of these pieces of language, we are expressing our feelings, rather than just stating a criticism or a judgement. This is such a better place to start with in navigating through a problem.
Note that this exercise, like the other “Grievance” exercises, will be quite challenging for many of us. Yet it is an important part of our relational growth. So be brave, and have a go!
3. Do Some Mind Reading.
This activity seeks to protect us from judging one another and holding false thoughts buried in our hearts. Invite people to share or write down a “mind-reading” with each other, using the “I think you think” pattern.
Suggested Language: “May I do a mind-reading? I think you think that .... Am I right?
Examples:
Example: “May I do a mind-reading with you?”
“I think you think that I’m responsible for the cleaning of the church hall. Is that correct?”
Example: “I’m wondering if you think that I think you’re a poor parent for allowing your kids to do what you did. Is that right?”
Why We Do This:
So often in life relationships suffer because we start to make assumptions about what another person is thinking. And so we act in response to what we are imagining they are thinking. Or maybe we avoid them because of an assumption of a negative feeling they have towards us.
But unfortunately, our assumptions may be completely off the mark! It is far better to learn to grow to be honest and clear in clarifying what is really going on in other people’s heads!
Note that this exercise, like the other “Grievance” exercises, will be quite challenging for many of us. Yet it is an important part of our relational growth. So be brave, and have a go!
4. Have A Soul Blurt.
Have a soul blurt using the 4 Feeling Questions.
The Four Feeling Questions are:
In my life at the moment:
Why am I mad?
Why am I sad?
Why am I “scared”? (worried)
Why am I glad?
Go around the table, and ask one person to answer all four questions, before then giving another person an opportunity to do the same. Just listen to each person and invite them to share more.
Don’t try to respond to what they say or fix things, other than inviting them to elaborate more on what they’ve said. For each question, ask them is there anything more they’d like to share until they’ve run out of things to say for each question. Then move on to the next question.
Why We Do This:
This is important to help us process our emotions and release them from the burden they place on our souls. It is also an exercise in listening- it is so powerful to feel that you have been heard with some of the deepest struggles of your soul.
Note that this exercise, like the other “Grievance” exercises, will be quite challenging for many of us. Yet it is an important
part of our relational growth. So be brave, and have a go!